Two: The Post that Nearly Wasn't
Second-guessing and the Battle Against Self-Doubt
Welcome back to Finishing School - the blog about finishing stuff, and to the post that nearly wasn’t a post!
Yes, almost immediately after hitting “publish” on the first post, the goblin of second-guessing starting doing its little dance in my skull. You know the one, where it does a thrusting jig that splatters your insides with a sort of yellowed, viscous muck? I’ll be blowing that out of my nose for weeks!
As with so many of my creative doubts, the forms they took were multiple and occurred simultaneously. Let’s stick our collective fingers into the wriggling sludge of my brain and poke at what these were.
The general idea of a blog about finishing things was shit.
I will quickly become disinterested in this subject and stop, thus hilariously making the blog a victim of its own subject matter.
I should have done a different type of blog. Specifically, something that was fictional in nature, with the story told through the format of a blog.
Other, vague feelings of low self-worth.
So, there was a moment in which Finishing School was almost canned by my trundling behemoth of a destructive sense of self-doubt.
I haven’t always had this overwhelming sense of self-doubt. It has grown gradually over the past decade or so into something that is often crippling and destructive. Certainly, self-doubt is a pretty common hurdle to finishing things. So, it’s worth looking at, isn’t it?
Self-Doubt, the Blog Killer
In future, at this point of Finishing School we’ll look at a finishing problem through the lens of a specific creative project I’m working on. This time, I think it’s worth sticking with the bump it’s caused in this blog project. It’s a fresh wound that you don’t need any additional context for, so why drift away?
I think it’s important to say that self-doubt is probably a symptom of larger psychological challenges. It definitely is for me. This is likely only solveable through long term work and self-examination. That’ll actually be a good thing to look closely at in another post…let’s face it, the subject of self-doubt will return repeatedly on Finishing School. But to keep things moving and practical, let’s look at addressing the smaller, short-term problems of self-doubt that are immediate hurdles to overcome.
I am by no means an expert in human brains…more of a collector of them, occasionally staining them with colourful dyes, like eggs at easter. Logically speaking, though, addressing the short term feelings of self-doubt should be helped by one or all of the following:
Examining the accuracy of the feelings.
Identifying evidence for/against them.
Finding motivation to ignore or overcome the resulting irrational instinct to quit.
Let’s look at what happened, then. Imagine me, if you will, in my vast yet rapidly decaying castle, Schloss von Nerius, in Germany (prove that isn’t the case, I dare you). I’ve uploaded the first Finishing School post and all the thoughts hit.
The general idea of a blog about finishing things was shit.
The accuracy of the feelings: Shitness is subjective. We all experience and measure shit differently (I like to measure mine in heaped spoonsful). There is very little objective shitness. But do I genuinely feel that the blog idea is shit, or is this just a convenient way to derail myself? Probably the latter, because, on examination, I quite like the idea.
Identify evidence for/against: This is a good one. Ideas aren’t inherently good or shit, it is the execution that really determines this. Therefore, the only way to gain evidence either way is to just keep going.
Find motivation to overcome the instinct to quit: As above.
I will quickly become disinterested in this subject and stop, thus hilariously making the blog a victim of its own subject matter.
Accuracy: I mean, pretty accurate insofar as I have done this several times in the past. Nevertheless, to dismiss a project on the basis that I have no control over my ability to maintain focus is a fucking cop-out. Not to mention, self-pitying.
Evidence: Experience of the past is evidence that one has acted in a certain way previously. It is not evidence of how one will act in the future. We have choices.
Motivation: I mean, if nothing else, to prove that cynical creep in my head wrong, right?
I should have done a different type of blog. Specifically, something that was fictional in nature, with the story told through the format of a blog.
Accuracy: This is what I call “shiny thing” thinking. I don’t feel this way because I genuinely think a different type of blog would be better. I feel this way because I get distracted easily by newer, shinier ideas that I think will be more creatively fulfilling/interesting because they are fresher in my brain.
Evidence: The evidence of whether I should have done a different type of blog lies in how I feel about this type of blog once I’ve spent some time doing it. The evidence that this is just “shiny thing” thinking can be easily provided by my web-based depository on which I keep the enormous volume of notes about ideas for new projects:
Motivation: What is the motivation not to do another idea instead of this one? Well, when I think about it, there are so many reasons to keep doing this one. It could be creatively fulfilling. It might be useful and/or entertaining to other people. I might learn something about myself.
Other, vague feelings of low self-worth.
I’m not sure there is anything useful to say about the vague ephemera of low self-worth. These are symptoms of the larger psychological issue of self-esteem to address. Though, and I think this is a sensible approach, we can just utilize violence to whack-a-mole them as they arise.
How Do We Finish?
So, how do we move toward finishing the project amidst this self-doubt? Small steps, I suspect. Self-doubt is quite an abrasive and disruptive experience in self-harm, so it’s important to treat oneself with an element of kindness. Personally, as a logician, I think it’ll also be helpful to be as evidence-based in my examinations of self-doubt as possible, as this will give me tangible impetus to ignore the less accurate and less helpful elements.
It is, of course, not as easy as this. Logic is fine, but feelings can be powerful. So, treading carefully is important. Avoid taking nuclear options to projects on the basis of momentary doubts, because they are often just that.
In terms of Finishing School, how do I move forward beyond the hurdles self-doubt? Well, I think I need to just write the next blog…which you’ve just read. Thanks for that.
As always, I’d love to read your thoughts on this subject. What trundling self-doubts do you experience that stop you from finishing? What techniques do you find helpful? Self-doubt is a massive subject, so I’ll definitely be exploring other facets of it in future.
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